Matthew stayed in the hospital for close to a week after he had his wounds cleaned out, and was receiving IV antibiotics.

He was then returned to the jail and placed on the medical wing. I was unable to get any information on him as he needed to sign an ROI first. I left my name and number with the voicemail of the counselor on that wing to call me, if and when Matt signed a release of information.

I received a call a couple of days later and was told that Matt had been having mental distress to the point where they had to transfer him to the hospital to receive psychiatric treatment. Matt called me one evening and was sobbing and sounded so out of it, he didn’t know where he was. He was yelling and getting agitated and was sent back to his room and hung up on me.

I didn’t hear from him again until the next evening when he told me he didn’t know where he was and kept asking me if I knew. He was talking nonsense and saying he was going to die, and that he was in hell.

I called the hospital and was told that he had been transferred to Unity Hospital which is the main psychiatric hospital in Portland.

Matt was at Unity for a couple of days when they had a hearing in which he was deemed “unable to aid and assist” in his defense. He had another hearing a few days later and was civilly committed to psychiatric care.

Matthew stayed at Unity for over a month and we had talks every few days where he sounded so confused and frightened. It broke my heart to hear him sound so broken. He had a counselor who was able to give me updates every week which was helpful and yet so disheartening to hear. She told me that Matt was In Psychosis and possibly had schizoaffective disorder. They were waiting for him to have a forensic assessment so that he would be able to not be sent back to jail if he were to become stabilized, but instead would stay in a therapeutic setting, and would eventually be sent to the State mental hospital for long term treatment.

The forensic exam didn’t happen and after a little over a month Matt was “stable” on his meds and was going to have to be sent back to jail. His counselor was upset and told me that she had hoped this would not happen and that the last place Matt needed to be was back in jail. I spoke to Matt the day his counselor told me the news of his impending transfer back to jail. On that phone call Matt sounded anything but stable. He was talking about wanting to jump out of the window in his room. At this point I’m so sick to my stomach thinking of Matt and the Hell he has been through since the 6th of June when he made the awful split second decision to stab the man in Downtown Portland. My heart had been breaking for most of Matt’s life, knowing he was often so depressed and anxious that it was a struggle to get through each day. But now; the “Hell” he was living in made it difficult for me to deal with, and I wasn’t coping well with my own life. My sadness and frustration with the mental health system and inability to get Matt the help he so desperately needs, became overwhelming and at times I was struggling with my own depression and wanting to escape into gambling to escape and numb myself from feeling. It was so bad that my husband insisted I see my Dr. to get something to calm me when I felt like I was “losing my mind”. I was given a low dose of Zanex to take if I needed to calm my intense emotional reactions to what was going on with Matt.

To date; Matt is back in jail and has been for going on 3 weeks. He has only called me a few times and he has sounded so despondent and low and seems to be barely functioning. He is not allowing anyone to clean his cell and I was told that it smells of feces, ursine and BO. I fear he will have a reinfection of his wounds as he is itching them and possibly breaking the skin. I truly believe that Matt has lost all hope and wishes he had jumped off that bridge when he had the chance. He has told me more than once that he is in hell. He rarely goes out of his cell when given the chance. He sounds weak and just yesterday told me he was throwing up his medication and that he was having trouble breathing. I’m afraid he is going to die there, if he is not “rescued” and taken to a psychiatric hospital.

I called Matt’s public defender yesterday and he told me that they are “waiting for transport” for Matt to go to the state hospital. I had to ask him what does that mean? Nothing is happening and in the meantime my Son is at risk of infection or killing himself. He told me he would talk to a couple of organizations that are working on getting Matt out of jail, and that he would get back to me.

In the meantime I will wait and continue to pray often, as I always have. I will continue to turn Matt over to God, and pray that he would keep him safe and that his will be done. I have to continue to turn Matt over throughout the day because other wise I become so frustrated and sad that it is often unbearable.