I’ve done all this and more for 36 years with my Son Matt. He has struggled with life from the day he was born. On the Autism Spectrum (Aspergers), he has been diagnosed with severe depression, OCD, oppositional defiant disorder, anxiety, impulse control disorder, and more but I cannot remember them all.

Oh yeah… and last year when he had a psychotic break he was then diagnosed with bi- polar 1.

When my husband and I could no longer have him live with us, at age 34 1/2 we had him go live with his Dad. We both were dealing with health issues and other issues (my husbands Sister was dying of brain cancer).

It became clear after over 34 years that I could no longer “save” my Son from himself. His “demons” he dealt with were not going away, even though God knows I tried to give him my unconditional Love and everything I had within me to help him to learn to accept and Love himself, as I did.

Years of therapy and psych unit admissions. 3 suicide attempts, and along with all that he had gambling and alcohol problems.

He went from living with me for 34 1/2 years, to living with his Dad for 2 weeks and then he had the psychotic break. He was hospitalized and subsequently he was found a place in an SRO (single room occupancy) in an old hotel in the worst part of Portland Oregon.

Matt always told me that if he were to ever have to live on his own, he would “self-destruct” in no time.

He actually did not do as bad as he, or I had expected. He was “OK” for over a year. That didn’t mean he was doing good by any means, but he was existing. Day by day he continued to struggle with his mental health, his autism, and the “demons” in his head telling him he was no good and a failure. All this despite our daily phone calls (3-5) in which I continued to Love and encourage him, and pray (so many prayers) that he would make it another day without hurting himself or someone else. I did have to set a boundary that Matt not call when he was drunk so many days we had a morning phone call, and he could text. He didn’t always follow that but for the most part he respected my boundary.

Matt started drinking almost daily when he was on his own. We had rules here that he could not drink as we are a clean and sober house. I have 44 years of sobriety in a week and my husband ( Matt’s Step-Dad has 35 years clean and sober. He had slip ups but for the most part he didn’t drink then. On his own he could do what he wanted with no rules and so he began the drinking and occasional pot smoking, which were all not good with his bi-polar meds. All the talking and telling him he should not be drinking fell on deaf ears, though he would try to go a day or two, and sometimes more without drinking. On those days he often struggled with his anxiety more. Matt has social anxiety partly from his Autism, and basically does not like people. He rarely went out, except for groceries and to come visit me and his step Dad for a couple of nights every 10 days or so.

I actually was glad he didn’t go out much as he was always at risk in the “hood” when he left his small room.

Matt carried a knife with him when he went out, partly for protection in an area where people are being shot on a regular basis, and partly because he feared he might be confronted by someone else equally mentally ill who might get in his face and perhaps pull a knife or gun out. Part paranoia and part for protection he carried a knife which both myself and his biological Father and his Step Dad told him was a bad idea. Did he listen to us though? No he didn’t.

So, due to the environment of the streets right outside his apartment, and mental illness, and being confronted by someone else who was equally mentally ill, Matt took his knife out last week when he felt “threatened” by someone on the street he stabbed him. He was arrested and now is in jail on a class A Felony.

This is my Son, who I tried to help for 36 years, and always Love unconditionally. Never has Matt been in jail. This is his first offense. He did what he did and now has to face the consequences. In the end,

I could not “save” or rescue Matt from himself.

My heart breaks for my Son, but then my heart has been breaking for him for 36 years.

Some people say I am co-dependent, and God knows I am aware of that fact.

Yet what does a Mother do when she has a child who has struggled all of their life?

You Love them in their messiness, their confusion, their grief. See them, hear them, and accept them without judgement.

Then you let them know it’s okay to be right where they are, and if and when they need you, you’ll be there.

I did that; I tried.

Please pray for my Son Matt.